Quotes / Jokes

|   2013 -   |    |     About    |     Privacy

For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... put 'em in the same room. Let 'em fight it out. - Steven Wright

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend. - Steven Wright

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back. Boy, were they mad! - Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. - Steven Wright

I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So whenever I go to have my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies. - Steven Wright

One time I went to the drive-in in a cab. Movie cost me $95. - Steven Wright

A while ago, I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table, having a furious argument over what I considered to be an "odd" number. - Steven Wright

I went into a place to eat, it said "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. - Steven Wright

Friday I was in a bookstore. I started talking to this very French-looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate—she couldn't read in two different languages. - Steven Wright

I've been doing a lot of painting lately. Abstract painting, extremely abstract. No brush, no canvas. I just think about it. - Steven Wright

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. - Steven Wright